sulphurichapter

= (

2005-03-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

i m thinking n thinking n thinking all this while..

wad m i gonna do?..

i tink about my future. i think so much. i m so confused. y is all this happening to me?.. i jus wan to live life like other kids. but i doubt i can..

troubles. i m having. frens. i cant tell em. strong. i've got to be.

i hope someone could help me out..

~! i woke up abit too late. and now everything is takin its toll on me. who is to help me?.. i hope my dad is here !~

troubled..

2005-03-03T02:17:00.000-08:00

i m still up and thinking..

thinking of damn TP. went for the early interview thingy and went for the DeAE thingy.i hope i get in. otherwise, i wld be wasting my 7bucks. lol..

craps. such sucky results. so disappointing. i guess my dad's, up in heaven, is disappointed in me. wad shld i do.?.. sighs. i guess from now on, wadeva i do, i shall take pride in my work and give it my best shot. screwed 2years of my life and its time to stop that screwin up from goin further anymore..

~~~~i shall stop thinkin here. if i m fated to go thru it, i will go thru it. let the lord decides my fate~~~~

Met up wif matthew n went to TP. did my DeAE thingy and went to enquire so much for design course. i wonder enquire so much, but dun get in, wld be a waste. saw connie and had a chat wif her. she's reminds me of my days when i had all the piercings. hahahas. my days of punkster hav ended already. so sad.

next went over to RP. saw greg, met up wif darren and ber. saw greg.. N i saw SHAWN TEO. in a pinko shirt. he got quite pissed when i disturbed him pinko. lol. hmms. did nothing much. applied for DAE there too. cos i realise i cldnt really depend on TP. sighs.

saw xavier in RP, and next we ended up playing warcraft3 at katong, where i DOMINATED THE GAME.

came home, watch tv, n puked.. hahahs.

N now here i m, sitting in front of my com. still puzzled wad to do..

=)

~!~my brain doesnt stop thinking till i get a place secured in TP IMD~!~

O level results.

2005-02-28T19:35:00.000-08:00

cRaps~

i jus got my results baq today. was disappointing though.. got a miserable 27points for L1R4.. stupid science screwed it all.. = / nonetheless, i always knw that, i neva succeeded in anything. i guess if i didnt step into that r/s. i would fare better..

so confused. my results. where can i go?.. i'm afraid i cannot go into the course i want. sighs.

no mood to blog now. feel like crying, but no tears. feel so miserable. so lonely. = ) .. maybe i ought to spend the night alone...

(everyones out celebrating, but here i m, all alone, misery and lonliness is my companion)

dreams

2005-02-25T13:37:00.000-08:00

woke up twice.. and i had 3 screwed up dreams. sighs.. bloggin now at 1.37pm

the first dream.
i dreamt of the past. i was wif stiffy.. so screwed up can. we were outing, den when i was about to turn and kiss her, i was like, 'this is a dream! i cant...' all of a sudden i woke up. hehs. wierd rite?..

the second dream.
this is the most screwed up dream of all. i was dreaming i was some kind of cs character. hehs. we were attacked by some stupid CTs troops. i was carrying a ak47.. oh well. manage to frag some. only wake up when some dumb CT snipe me by an awp. hahas.

the third dream.
i dreamt i was wif brian and alan eating prawn noodle and bedok. boy, were they generous with the prawns. alan had like 10prawns. LOL. cos he knew the owner. den we were sitting down tokin and chattin. some how we chated about r/s and they ask me y did i break up?.. den i told em the reasons and the reasons y we cannot be together. they keep chiding me.. i told em to shut up. suddenly.. my phone rang, i tried to press the button, but i cant press. keep on trying to read the damn msg, but it still rang. and the next ting i knew, i was woken up by my hp ringtone.. wad da hell!!.. den i read the msg.. n wad surprised me, it was her that msg me. LOL

i often dream alot, wierd dreams, sad dreams, romantic dreams, n often hav nightmares... i wonder y do i always hav this kinda dumb dreams... oh well. time for me to bathe n go meet chen. = )

2005-02-24T01:52:00.000-08:00

i m bloggin in the wee hours.. craps.

it seems like everything has changed. my life. my friends. i wonder is it them or is it me. it takes two hands to clap. maybe is jus everything..

my frens.
dunno. its like, after they go stead, they tend to act differently, they no longer call me out to hang out. even though they do its also quite seldom.. after my ex gf left the group and some new guys came in, i can feel the group spliting apart. YES. i very much want to turn ard and walk away. alone into the dark alley. but i cant. i realise they have pull me up on my 2 feet, and its partly cos of em, i m way much better den last time. but somehow, i feel, i m being treated differently. i cant recognise em anymore.. i dunno. but i can feel myself drifting apart.

sighs.. the emotional pain. the feelin tt i hav, is indescribable..

wad shld i do?..

stiffy and del..
i feel really bad, sayin stuff tt i shldnt. i knw. but its too late to turn back time now. she wont forgive me. or even be frens wif me. contact me, call me. i deserve it. i tink its better for me too. i've already forgotten her. but some memories still stays in my mind and haunts me everynight. i hope n wish del wld really take care of her. he seems like a pretty nice guy and stuff. the right one. and i guess prob i m giving em trouble. maybe i m a trouble. i should take my leave. there's no reason i shld stay here.. sorry. i cant be ur fren is not cos i wan to but i have no choice.. pls forgive n forget about me.

my family..
i dunno. is tt. i look at my mom and my bro. i really really wish i cld contribute to the family, but i cant. wad can i do to help?.. i everyday come home, try not to stay out late at night. dun wanna make my mom angry. i hope tt helps. :D .. hahas. okz. but somehow i feel our r/s bond is getting stronger den b4.. (dad, pls aid me.. i knw u're must be in heaven lookin how pathetic i m. i need ur help, ur wisdom and ur knowledge to make me a betterman. i wanna make mom proud. p.s i love u)

~we all hav our own responsibilities, but i jus wan to b a kid, n hav no responsibility~

~i m afraid of growin up too fast.. but m i? or hav i grown up at all?~

2005-02-21T23:59:00.000-08:00

bloody hell!~
tis is the 2nd time i have to re write my damn blog. the 1st 1 got lost when the whole server lagged.

anyway.. had a boring day today. met up my tuition frens nick n his pals n we went to cpf building@ bishan to get it done. nice kiddo's, always tokin abt shit.. hangin out wif em, makes me feel younger. hehs.

nxt after, i went off to work. work's boring. everything's boring. jus den when i receive a msg.!!

hehs. its my princess from my dream. she's such a cutie.. i wldnt tell u who she is. but i will tell u that, she is very very pretty. ha!~.. and she's one of my top few crush. =) .. such a cutie.

neway goin off to bed. shall blog tml.. gonna dream of her. (like some stupid small boy tts in luv). >.<

2005-02-21T23:58:00.000-08:00

jus came back home. went out wif nick and his grp of frens to bishan cpf building. toking and chilling wif em, makes me feel so young again. like young kids facinated with bikes and the top speed of it.. hahas. okz. after that i went to work n i coincidentally saw louis and his peeps. den chuan had to whack me for no reason. =(' sobs.. i m always being bullied for her. always asking me to take water for her.. hahas.

after work, i went to find ber. ber, eric, wy, FF, dion, colin were eating at suntec. nxt we went to asteriod. wad a boring day..

and hehs.! i had a date wif li hua. so happy..! it has been quite long since i met up wif her. she's like my first few crush. hello?!?.. wad makes it best, is that she stay so near me. hahas. she's super cute, neva fail to put a smile on my face. n she was there when i needed her. called her like 6am n we met ard 7am.. she's super nice. at least to me.(dun worry, i wun mutilate myself).. = ) super cutie..

yAwns.. i cant stop thinking about the interview i had at Tp for IMD course. omg.. dun even tink i'll make it thru.. anyway. i alr made plans.. if i make it into poly, i wld go poly first. but if i cant enter the course i want to, i wun rush into another. i wld go army first den after make plans wif my more matured mentality. = )

sighs. another boring day tml..

2005-02-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

Went out today, wif gerard n jooann. saw ber in asteriods n decided to play a game. another boring day..

after tt. met up wif chuan.. still the same old cheeky her. (thank u for ur sketches). hehs. we had a great time catching up wif each other. but somehow, it seem as if we click. can tok for hours. best ting is she SLAP me. for no reason. altho its not hard, but den its still a slap. boo hoos.. hehs. yeah. we tok about the past.. sighs. i cant believe tt i was such a weakling last time.

weakling. tt is me. the past.. i m learning to grow stronger. i believe every problem tt i encounter, makes me a stronger person. N oh well, some stupid shit head wans to find fault wif me. that stupid mohawk kimo ahmud, bloody tapered pants, fag in a bag does not knw who's he finding fault wif.

So many things happened..

*i thank u lord, for helpin me to tis stage, to be able to think for myself*

i wake up dis few days, i begin to realise i have alot of responsibilites. too much responsibilities. i wonder how i gonna cope wif it. i knw i m turning 19 soon, but everythings coming too fast n too soon. i am not like everyone else, i m different. kids hav rich parents who can solve everything tt's money based. but not me. i dun come from a rich home.. in fact i come from a single parent home. have to take care of my expenses, tryin to lessen my mom's burden and trying to contribute to the family. its gonna be hard on me. but who says life is easy?.

i have to thank my frens who are wif me. w/o them, i dunno wad i wld do. i treasure everything now. every single thing. i guess this is the turning point for me. the old adrian dies off here.

2005-02-19T22:20:00.000-08:00

Jus came home from work. it's the same. but i did something constructive. wrote a letter to her. but.. i didnt how to put it in a nice way. but den, who really cares? i try my best to express my way n figure out, i should just go straight to the point. it does not matter how she, or people look at me. let them say wadeva they want. as long as i know that i m happy about myself, n tts wad it matters.

cough like some shithead. and started vomitting. my colleagues were pretty worried for me.. yeah. i knw. i will quit smoking. hehs. easier said den done. my face was damn n eyes turn pretty red after i vomitted. hmms. i guess maybe its the cigs tts causing all tis.

>__< everyday seems like a better day to me. i started to think alot this past 2 days. everything happened so quickly and so unexpected. i realise i aint the same anymore. i have responsibilities.. tts my family. it wasnt long tt i realise tt i was wasting my life away. it isnt too late to change now. i just hope that i can play my part as a good son now, n lessen my moms burden. i've screwed my past 18yrs of life.. i regretted. i believe i can make changes..

my bro went mohammad sultan wif me. but we went different clubs.. we met up after clubbing and took a cab home. he shocked me when i saw him smoking. hahas. anyway. we sat opposite our house voiddeck, as he said he needed to tok to me.

he tok alot of sense to me. i mean alot as in alot.. he some sort of knock sense in my head. when i heard about his story, i dunno wad to say. i felt rather disappointed in myself. i didnt knw wad i cld do too. my brother actually sacrifised his gf(future wife) and his future for me. he told me that he wanted to get married to her. but then he didnt do so its bcos of my mom n me. he oso didnt pursue his dream, he didnt want to take up IT. but he pretty much didnt have a choice. he only wans me to be successful. all this while he has been playing the role of a father and a brother to me. n i... i realise how fcuk up i was. i didnt contribute to the family. i wasnt an obedient son. a fillial 1 too. all the actions i have done.. makes me feel so disgusted. i need to wake up. i look at my bro. and it was the second time i saw him crying. (the 1st was when my dad past away).. i told him i too, didnt knw wad to do. i m confused.. he said "believe in urself." like wad i did when i ask god for help.. he told me "believe in urself and follow ur heart".

-i thank u god, for awakening me.-

we chatted away, n i tink i got to knew him better. he taught me alot of life lessons. which i will apply it now and foreva.. all this years, i hav been hurting him. i tot he was being mean to me.. but when i realise, its too late. all the pain i gav him. i m gonna change now. he told me 1 important thing that i will never forget. "no one takes control of ur life." live by it.. control others. its a cold and hard world out there. people backstab each other. friends backstab each other. but only family doesnt.

i dunno wad to say. i look back and thought really hard. when was the last time i really actually contributed to the family.. n it was nothing. neither did i make my mom proud. i guess i m the biggest let down in my family.. sighs. i think from now on, i have to improve on myself.

galfrens.. she betrayed me. but it was pretty much a good lesson for me to learn. she taught me the importance of family. what she did to me, i will never forget. i believe everything happen for a reason. and i guess she found the right guy. i m willing to give her up, for her happiness. *if u really love someone, u'll let the person go, and give em ur blessings* i tink, i m the mere cause for her probs wif her bf. the only way to resolve this is to break contact with her. msn, friendster,email,handphone,and everything. i have to be selfish. its for her benefit.. n mine. i guess i will not talk to her anymore. it sounds heartless, but its the only way out. i will pretend nothing has taken place between the 2 of us. but deep down, it hurts.

it is also the time for me to move on. 2months has past, n i tink jooann made sense. i need to move on. i m sorry for being such an ass, acting and stuff.. i cant possibly stick to the past anymore. not say she'll come back to me. even though she does, things will not be the same anymore.

i m sorry.. sorry, everyone. jooann, gerard,chen,ber,corn,harry,jorita,mom,dad,bro. i m such a let down. i m gonna improve n make sure no one ever looks down on me. i m stronger den b4. laugh at me if u want to. cos i'll get the last laugh.

fcuk u all, u cant screw wif me.
thank u my friends, my family.. "people only respect money".. keep tt in mind. "only good frens will stick by u, not for money but for friendship"...

i think i shall write up to here. i m gonna wipe away my tears. and continue to play my part as a good, fillial son n a good fren to all tt has help me when i was down.

=) peace out..

2005-02-19T13:51:00.000-08:00

Woke up in the afternoon ard 1.. craps. went clubbing last nite. n some fag in the bags wanted to hav a fight wif me. boy, such assholes still exist. he's still so immature n childish. n he's dressing sucks. but it doesnt matter..

i'll let bygones be bygones. i realise tt i found out the reason to move on, i wrote a letter to her. n told her many things. i guess i wun be contacting her for long.. its for the best for 2 of us. sometimes i hav to be selfish too. i want to be there when she's down, but i guess she'll never feel down. she got a great bf besides her. i wish them all the best. N i will shower them wif my blessings.

i really feel bad to everyone.. friends and family. but i dunno wad to say n do. i guess i owe my frens an apology. n my family..everything. for being there for me. (thank u melsie for helpin me wif my blog).. much appreciated. hehs.

shall continue when i come back..